Adam vs. Eve - Adam & Eve

Hey Eve, while watching TV recently I came across one of those cell phone commercials where they ask the question, “What if roadies ran the world?” Then it follows with a bunch of longhaired tattooed guys directing the flow of traffic at a major airport.

Well that got me thinking,
“What if women ran the NFL?”

Of the three major men’s sports, the NFL has the highest percentage of female executives, which I have to give much respect to. But when I think of women in football, it conjures up memories of the late Georgia Frontiere, owner of the Rams franchise from 1979 to 2008. Among other things, she was known to have read the players their horoscopes, encouraged them to perform yoga and even gave them Cabbage Patch Kids.

For pigskin purists, it’s a little too, how should I say… benevolent? As men, we tend to embrace the barbaric aspect of the game. We like Jack Lambert’s toothless smile, Lyle Alzado spitting at opposing fans and guys with nicknames like “Stink”.

To me, women and football is like taking your grandfather to the Apple store, the cast of The Hills to a planetarium or sending Al Franken to Washington. The interest may very well be there, but deep down, when it comes to knowing what’s really going on…clueless!

But if we allowed Danica Patrick to get behind the wheel of a racecar and scooted over so that Chastity Bono can grab a spot at the urinal, I suppose we can imagine what it might be like to let you into football. So, I give you a glimpse into the future and imagine a league that would remain entirely made up of male players but mandated that women be present in every other capacity.

Immediately the networks are pissed off. Instead of listing the TV guides with games beginning at 1 pm, changes are made so that kickoff will occur generally sometime between 1 and 2:30 pm. Because we know women are always late.

And staying with the time theme – the play clock? 45 seconds? Are you serious? Any man who’s been out to dinner with a woman knows it takes at least five minutes to decide what salad dressing she wants, and that’s on a good night. I can imagine Coach Samantha asking the referee to check on the other team to see if they know what they want, then get back to her next time around.

Right after timing comes fashion. Say goodbye to the tradition of the home team wearing dark jerseys unless it’s the preseason. Adhering to the strict feminine code - No White After Labor Day - both teams now wear their dark unis regardless.

And speaking of the dress code, the new female owner of the Jacksonville Jaguars not only allows Coach Jack Del Rio to keep his job, but she bumps up his paycheck for sporting a suit on the sidelines. Unfortunately, Patriots boss Bill Belichick is demoted to equipment manager for wearing a hoodie and not shaving.

In addition, Bengals Wide Receiver Chad Ochocinco and the Bills’ Terrell Owens are now better suited for a league that encourages, instead of fines, players who accessorize.
Subsequently, Owens drops Nike, signs with Vera Wang and copyrights the phrase “The NFL’s First Fashionista” (although he is immediately sued by Kordell Stewart).

Women in the NFL not only affect the rules of the game but the players as well. Despite career threatening injuries and losing records, quarterbacks Tom Brady and Brady Quinn are the most sought after free agents of the off-season every year. And with Jessica Simpson having bought out Jerry Jones for majority ownership rights in Dallas, the league saw a record contract awarded to the Cowboys’ starting quarterback. However it wasn’t Tony Romo. No, in typical female fashion, Simpson pulls the power trip and cuts Romo only to sign soccer superstar David Beckham, despite having no football experience.

Although Beckham loses every game as a starter, he somehow is elected to the Pro Bowl. Not surprising, considering sponsorship for Pro Bowl balloting was awarded to Playtex, meaning “stuffing the box” is no longer frowned upon.

Romo bounces back though, landing a job in the broadcast booth on Monday nights where he’s teamed up with what the league is hyping as its “Color Purple Commentator”: Oprah Winfrey.

On the executive side, the rules committee has made some severe changes. League expansion is a thing of the past. In fact, the NFL is contracting, taking franchises away from Jacksonville, Buffalo, Cleveland and Houston. Women don’t like too much competition, so states with more than one team must boot some out. Fortunately, that change works well with the lack of players, which came as a result of the league’s new “one strike and you’re out” domestic violence policy.

As you might imagine, the NFL as a whole is a much kinder, gentler place. Ed Hochuli isn’t blowing calls anymore now that Martha Stewart has taken over officiating. Claiming the yellow hankies and penalties never solved anything, Stewart believes talking about the infringement and “how” the emotions got to that point in the first place is much more effective. She has implemented the “Hug-It-Out” policy in lieu of flags. To punctuate her stance on violence she cites Michael Vick and O.J. Simpson, banning the terms “underdog” and “sudden death” from league materials.

That being said, left in women’s hands, the future of the NFL looks bleak. The only positive outcome worth noting is the newfound freedom of Washington Redskins fans from Czar Daniel Snyder’s rule.

The tycoon was bought out by Senator Hillary Clinton, who immediately pointed the Capitol City in a new direction by changing the Skins’ uniform colors from burgundy and gold to blue with little white spots. Shortly after, she grants sponsorship rights to a Cuban cigar manufacturer, creates a mascot named Slick Willy and sells off percentages of the team to Linda Tripp, Rosie O’ Donnell, Penny Marshall and former US Attorney General Janet Reno.

Adam, your glimpse into the future was entertaining once I was able to decode the drama, but the biggest thing I took away from that rant was that you have a skewed perception of women. Are we discussing women running the NFL or the women you’ve dated running the NFL? Big difference.

The first thing we would do is change the venue by making stadiums more of a mall atmosphere so we could enjoy our two favorite things at the same time: shopping and watching muscular men in tight uniforms get “dirty”. Just imagine – we could shop for Jimmy Choos while watching Brady Quinn get sacked.

Next, we’d replace the beer vendors with vodka clerks so we could cheer David Beckham on while being served a nice refreshing cosmopolitan by somebody with teeth and clean fingernails rather than a crew member from the Black Pearl with scurvy.

And let’s not forget the best part, a new pre-game ritual where a former NFL player like Brett Favre (Oops, what week is it?) or, to be safe, let’s say Jason Sehorn would serve drinks and fan their “fans” as a fan appreciation perk.

As much as I’d love to play fantasy football all day, I think the real deal here is that your whitie-tighties are in a wad because women are continually breaking the glass ceiling and now infringing on your beloved sport (and doing a fine job, I might add).

You knock on the late Georgia Frontiere for her quirks, but her leadership led the St. Louis Rams to the playoffs five out of six seasons from 1999 through 2004, a Super Bowl victory in 2000, and a Super Bowl appearance in 2002. This success was more than the astrological stars being aligned.

And thank the Lord for Jessica Simpson taking over the Cowboys. If I wanted to see a guy with a terrible facelift every Sunday, half-tanked pacing back and forth in front of a group of farmers, I’d book tickets to a Kenny Rogers show at the Grand Palace in Branson.

As for Oprah and Hillary, I say hallelujah. These strong role models have proven that women know how to lay down the law and run the show. Let Sean Merriman put his hands on Oprah. You saw what Sofia did to Harpo. She ain’t havin’ it!

Behind the NFL doors, there’s Natara Holloway, the Director of Internal Audit. Natara’s stats don’t include touchdowns or tackles, but her greatest accomplishment includes being a part of an effort to successfully create an internal audit group from scratch, making the NFL one of the only sports groups to have a robust internal audit group.

So relax. Embrace the change. After all, men have begun to “sport” their feminine side, and we welcome it. Former Minnesota Vikings wide receiver Chris Carter made it a ritual to get a pedicure before game days just to make sure he put his best foot forward for the game. Furthermore, while shopping at International Plaza I can no longer differentiate between the men and women’s sections because all the clothing now has rhinestones on it. I don’t cringe, just chuckle.

So Adam, next Sunday when football kicks off, you and your toothless friend “Stink” can sit on the couch, brew in one hand while the other rests on your jocks, and know football is still the classic sport you grew to love. Go ahead and ignore the fact that behind the scenes, there are some Manolo Blahnik’s running the show. Soon enough, you’ll progress out of the denial phase and into acceptance of the fact that we’re here to stay.