Fans of the show Friends might recall an episode where Phoebe refers to a soul mate as “finding your lobster,” insinuating that lobsters mate with the same partner for life.
However, she couldn’t have been more wrong. Although the cute crustaceans are known for having very tender copulation rituals, they may be the biggest playboys in the animal kingdom, as their mating habits fall in line somewhere between Robert Plant’s escapades during the 1973 Houses of the Holy tour and the Kardashian girls’ romp through professional sports.
But as human beings, when it comes to sex, what really drives our libido? When it’s all boiled down are we no different from the lobster, combing the sea thinking only with our tentacles?
If our past can tell us anything, it points us back to Lucy, the most famous fossil related to the human species who lived 3.2 million years ago. Surely she didn’t pick the parasites out of her hair and frolic through the forests of Ethiopia putting out ‘the vibe’ because she just saw Matthew McConaughey in Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. Rather it was the programming in her DNA which told her that if she didn’t have sex, her species wouldn’t be around in the near future.
So why is it that so many of us feel guilty for having sex on the brain as often as we do? After all, science tells us it’s only natural.
That being said though, I wanted to know more. Like, as individuals, what determines our sex drive? Is it something we inherit from our parents? From our not-so-distant ancestors? Or are some of us a bit more randy than others as a product of the environment we’re raised in?
So I set out on a quest, presenting my quandary to friends, family and experts in the field. With a topic like this, the answers were sure to be interesting.
THE SCIENCE OF FRICTION
When it comes to talk about sex and what drives us, you’ll find one man’s name in just about every scholarly conversation. That man is Sigmund Freud, who was coined ‘The Father of Modern Psychology.’
Freud theorized that humans are instinctually driven by inherited unconscious, animalistic urges such as lust and aggression. (See; Mike Tyson, Mickey Rourke.) His concept of the “id,” a primitive driving force which resides within each of us, is something we inherit at birth from our parents. The id combines with what Freud coined the ego (the part of us that provides reason and common sense) and the superego (the part of us that strives to be socially appropriate and morally just) to form our actions.
The ego, being that middle ground which settles the dynamics between the id and the superego, is where most of us function on a day to day basis.
If it’s confusing, it may help to imagine the three in terms of a rock concert with a double bill headlining the Sex Pistols and the Jonas Brothers with Rodney King acting as tour manager invoking his famous slogan, “can’t we all just get along?”
What is important to note here is that the id is more nature, or instinctual, versus the ego and superego which are more a product of nurture, or habits that develop from interactions with our parents, siblings and society in general.
In his book, The Moral Animal: Evolutionary Psychology and Everyday Life, author Robert Wright would seem to fall in line with Freudian thought saying, “The premise of evolutionary psychology is simple. The human mind, like any other organ, was designed for the purpose of transmitting genes to the next generation…thus the feeling of hunger, no less than the stomach, is here because it helped keep our ancestors alive long enough to reproduce and rear their young. Feelings of lust, no less than the sex organs, are here because they aided reproduction directly. Any ancestors who lacked stomachs or hunger or sex organs or lust—well, they wouldn't have become ancestors, would they?”
In order to prove just how much of an effect our genetic programming has on our sex life, Wright cites a study which focused on the number of sperm cells found in a husband’s ejaculate. He says one might assume it would depend only on how long it has been since the husband last had sex. However that’s not true. According to the study, what matters more, is how long his wife had been out of sight.
“A man who hasn't had sex for, say, a week will have a higher sperm count if his wife was away on a business trip than if she's been home with the flu.”
Wright says, “In short, what really counts is whether the woman has had the opportunity to stray. The more chances she has had to collect sperm from other males, the more profusely her mate sends in his own troops.”
If that’s the case, I can imagine rapper Jay Z releasing a ‘shock n’ awe’ campaign on Beyonce upon her return from her European Tour in December.
LOOKING MIGHTY CUTE IN THOSE GENES
Saying that human beings are horny and that sex is embedded in our DNA might not be an earth shattering revelation. But recent studies which point to the fact that genes cause some of us to be, for lack of a better term, more horny than others, is.
Professor Richard Ebstein, of Herzog Hospital and the head of the Scheinfeld Center for Human Genetics at the Hebrew University in Israel may be the first researcher to have found hard evidence linking sexual desire to DNA.
In a DNA study of 148 healthy male and female university students Professor Ebstein’s team found a correlation between variants in a gene called the DRD4 receptor (also known as the dopamine D4 receptor gene) and the students' self-reports on sexuality.
The study is the first to provide data to show that common variations in the sequence of DNA impacts sexual desire, arousal and function. The findings point to an outcome which suggests two thirds of people have a gene variant that leads to a lower sex drive while one third has one that leads to higher activity.
Ebstein’s search for a link between genetics and behavior has been steadily progressing since the mid-1990s, when it was common practice to study sexual behavioral disorders simply through psychology. And the sex gene isn’t his first discovery. His belief that humans are “hard wired” for certain behaviors has led him to uncover links to genes that make people more likely to be risk takers, to be altruistic and giving, and even those which might lead somebody to become a dancer.
This new “sex gene” variant is said to be similar to those genes which make us either tall or short, blonde or brunette. It is Ebstein’s hope that this discovery leads to new ideas in the way we treat sexual dysfunctions. He says we no longer need to label people as being sexually dysfunctional or categorize them as falling outside societal norms but rather we look upon them as being on an opposite end of a normal distribution curve.
SURVEY SAYS: GIVE ME SEX
Needless to say, I was very intrigued by Ebstein’s findings and personally felt there was some real truth to it. So, being inquisitive, I wanted to see what others’ opinions were.
I began by phoning an old college friend. I knew she wasn’t terribly fond of her parents and how their relationship worked and somewhat predictably, she adamantly disagreed with the findings, saying absolutely not, that there was no way she shared any sexual identity with her parents.
But on the other end of the spectrum, it was just the opposite. Ismentioned the “Sex gene” research to another friend of mine, asking him his opinion. Hearing him reply, “oh, hell yeah. My dad was a pimp. I know he had some freak in him,” as he sheepishly grinned made me wonder how biased one’s perception of being sexually proficient figured into the equation. If one were to admit being lukewarm when it came to sex would it not be equivalent to disliking chocolate or puppies?
WHO’S YOUR DADDY?
If I wanted a more honest answer I knew I’d have to do what any good journalist would do and go directly to the source, my own parents.
Now all dads have that one good joke they go to the well on at social gatherings. Mine is no different. He tells this story of being in a parked car overlooking lover’s lane with my mom decades ago. It goes like this:
“The car is all steamed up and suddenly I hear this knock on the window. So I roll it down to see who it is and a police officer is there and shines a light on my face.
The officer asks, ‘what are you kids doing in there’ to which I reply, ‘we’re just necking.’ (A 1950s reference for making out)
So the officer says, “OK then, well in that case put your neck back in your pants and get out of here.”
(drum kick here)
I share this because 10 years ago any discussion of sex with my parents was limited to corny jokes while any serious attempt at a mature sexual conversation felt awkward, like the feeling you get when you’re sitting in the dentist chair and that mirror is staring you in the face. You know if you open your eyes, you might be exposed to something you’d rather not see.
But at some point in life you reach a maturity where you discover parents are people too and often they can open your eyes to things which you might be curious about, like am I the only one in the family who constantly feels like Jack Nicholson at a Laker’s Cheerleader sleepover?
Now my mother is your typical northern Catholic and any discussion about sex in frigid Buffalo New York 50 years ago was the equivalent to lying down under a palm tree. She knew people were doing it somewhere but she’d just never seen it.
But Mom comes from a family of seven kids, so unless my grandfather tripped over a skate left on the floor and fell into Grandma a lot (a lot!), chances are they had a good libido.
On the other hand, Dad said that although his parents slept in twin beds most of their lives he still believes Grandpa and Grandma Norrie had a healthy, perhaps even stronger than average, libido. He defended their habits by saying, “there’s two things you can do in a bed and just because you can’t sleep together doesn’t mean you’re not sleeping together.”
As an aside: A 2005 poll by the National Sleep Foundation revealed that 23 percent of married couples sleep in separate beds and one quarter of spouses admitted that their sexual relationship had been affected by sleep issues.
While I still had no clear cut answers at this point, there was one thing I knew for sure, if you want to pique people’s interest in a conversation, there’s nothing like talk of sex.
Yet still, what was this quest coming to? I couldn’t make top or bottom out of it. I needed hard evidence I could sink my fingers into. Answers to get me over the hump and down to the bare essentials. There was no sense in getting all heated up and pulling my hair out if I couldn’t truly quench my desire for the truth.
PRIESTS AND PLAYBOYS
In his 15 years as a power forward in the NBA, the majority of which he played with the Los Angeles Lakers, A.C. Green scored 12,331 points. Yet he never “scored” in terms of losing his virginity until he married his wife, Veronique on April 20, 2002.
He was 38 years old.
Juxtapose that with Wilt Chamberlain who also had a 15-year NBA career, six of which he played with the Lakers. Until he retired in 1974 his most notable accomplishment was having the highest single game scoring mark in league history, racking up 100 points in a game against the New York Knicks in 1962.
But the Big Dipper’s most impressive number wasn’t revealed until the release of his 1991 autobiography in which he claimed to have slept with 20,000 women, the equivalent of about 1.2 a day.
In his book titled A View From Above Chamberlain said, “I don't see all this lovemaking as any kind of conquest; all I'm saying is that I like women.”
Green, on the other hand, who claimed his teammates would send girls to his room in attempts to break his will defended those who questioned his decision to remain abstinent by saying, “I am who I am and I’m quite comfortable with that.”
Now you have to be a huge sports fan to know the stigma attached to professional athletes when it comes to sex. But this tale of two Lakers may point to some clarity on the issue at hand. Given the fact that the environment was relatively the same for both men, with women there for the taking, one took generously and the other said no thanks.
But was this an issue of Chamberlain having the strong DRD4 receptor, which drove him to pursue women more or rather Green being raised in a Christian household which taught him to suppress his desires?
To settle the question once and for all I had to take it a step further and contact the man who started this curiosity in the first place, Professor Ebstein. I simply asked him if we were truly at the mercy of our DNA when it comes to our sex drive.
“Similar to most complex human behaviors, as a rule of thumb, what you're calling 'sex drive' is probably 50% genes and 50% due to environment,” Ebstein explained. “However, that said, for any one individual his/her 'sex drive' could be 90% environment and only 10% genes - a sort of Yin Yang formula.”
He pointed out that while we may be part of the one third who falls on the high end of the sexual spectrum, that environmental influences can trump that. A good example of this, according to him, is alcoholism, which is also fairly heritable. Yet in Muslim countries where alcohol is forbidden you might have all the genes to be an alcoholic but indeed be a teetotaler. On the other hand, in a society that drinks a lot, even if an individual has genes that ordinarily would prevent excessive drinking, sufficient social pressure will encourage people to imbibe.
Ah ha! Now things were starting to make sense. So under that premise it would seem safe to assume that had Charlie Sheen been born into the Osmond family his propensity for hookers may have been kyboshed. And had Tim Tebow gone to a university with more attractive women, perhaps he would not still be a virgin.
But going back to my friends and family which I surveyed earlier, just because your grandmother may have been the First Lady of Fornication doesn’t mean you have to fit your 13-year-old daughter with a chastity belt. Although DNA sequencing is known to be one of the most exact sciences, the way in which two strands of DNA interact to make a new person is not.
“There is assortment of these many genes across generations and perhaps a concentration of certain variants in families or groups,” Ebstein said. “The gene variants we get from our parents are most often just the luck of the draw.”
But I questioned Professor Ebstein in more proper terms saying that one would think, when it comes to libido and one’s ‘freaky factor’, that it would be safe to assume that a woman who is a huge fan of the game Twister would not be all that compatible with a man who prefers Trivial Pursuit.
“That's an interesting question and I'm not sure that the subject has been investigated in depth,” he said. “Indeed, much of the literature continues to find only modest evidence of spousal similarity in personality. I think with sexual attitudes and behavior the situation might be the same.”
He did however cite an article by psychology professors Jeffry A. Simpson and Steven W. Gangestad which found that sexually unrestricted individuals desire, choose, and acquire romantic partners who are more physically and sexually attractive and who have higher social visibility. And that restricted individuals seek romantic partners who are more kind and affectionate, responsible, and loyal and faithful, in keeping with more conservative attitudes and committed love styles.
YOU GOT YOUR CHOCOLATE IN MY PEANUT BUTTER
Professor Ebstein’s research sheds an interesting light on why we are like we are from a genetic standpoint and Freud’s concepts from a psychological sense give us great insight as well. But when it comes down to science between the sheets, leave it to Nobel
Prize winning physicist Richard Feynman who studied quantum mechanics and helped develop the atomic bomb. He said; “Science is a lot like sex. Sometimes something useful comes of it, but that’s not the reason we’re doing it.”
Back in the 1970s there was a popular commercial for the Reeses Peanut Butter Cup in which a person walking down the street eating a chocolate bar would inevitably bump into another person who was eating peanut butter. The chocolate dipped into the peanut butter and voila, it was a match made in heaven.
At the end of the day, after this inquisition, that’s what I got. Some of us are chocolate, some peanut butter and hopefully when we bump into one another it makes something delicious. And, that it definitely tastes more satisfying when you’re having it with somebody whom you love and maybe that’s where most of us go wrong and end up disappointed.