It is certain when the temperature turns from parked car seatbelt buckle hot to a more tolerable 90 we are approaching the spectacle that is football season. Football not only signifies an impending fall but it also trumpets the coming of gut busting roman eating challenges and guzzling of endless amounts of loud mouth soup. Baseless smack talk will be flung for the soul purpose of defending what is ours. Even if your team has no chance of winning, I'm looking at you Cleveland fan, the season
is not lost because you can always root against your team's nemesis. Let's say you're a Detroit fan. Turn a negative into a positive. Bet that the Lions will never cover and make some scratch. Don't forget about the vicious meth like addicting fantasy football to provide some extra action. Hate of rivals, gambling, and obsessive number crunching can get anyone through this season of most assured disappointment. There can only be one champion and we all think we know who it will be. Our team.
"Don't say that about my team. Only I can say my team sucks."
There are two kinds of fans. The first is the fan who thinks their own team has no chance no matter how well they are doing. The coach should be fired "cause he doesn't know football "or some impending collapse is just around the corner. Their team wins by forty but they can't get over the dropped pass by Darrell Jackson in the first quarter. If their team is doing poorly, get out of the way. There will be a stop sign punched at some point. The second kind of fan thinks "our team is full of angels and we are going to win no matter how much we are losing by". The in-denial fan. The author happens to be in this group. If I had a nickel for every time I started doing the math of how many touchdowns and onside kicks we needed to come back, then I would have a sack of nickels and a bunch of friends who have already left in disgust. The eternal optimist fan sees right past the interceptions and focuses on the field position the team gained. That fumble really ate time off the clock. Whew! Thank God we only gave up a safety, that could've been a touchdown. Each of these fans are equally annoying and if you don't fit in either of these categories then take a bow.
"Every football season is unique like a snowflake but there is always chicken wings."
Don't be left in the dust at the local Wing Shack when the subject of football comes up. Unless you want to be emasculated in front of the foxy bartender then you better crack the books and get a late pass stanking ass. (Disclaimer: girls love football knowledge as much as they love a high score in Dungeons and Dragons). Each season brings a plethora of questions that will be debated ad nauseam so allow me to throw in my two copper pieces.
Will Brett Favre be successful in ruining the Green Bay Packers' season?
Yes, in the Vikings/Packers matchup at Lambeau, Favre will throw an errant pass breaking Aaron Rodgers nose a la The Brady Bunch. Rodgers never recovers. He finishes his career with Cleveland.
Why did Terrell Owens go to the Buffalo Bills?
That's a good question Chris. Thank you. I can only say that T.O. was sick of being a big fish surrounded by big fish in a big pond. So he went to a place that has the excitement of a old man after his early bird meal at Piccadilly. Buffalo. Is that actually a town? If anybody is from Buffalo, I'm sorry, I'll write slower.
What do you think of the whole Michael Vick thing?
What Michael Vick thing? Oh, do you mean the whole setting up a Lord of the Flies for dogs league of death thing? I just hope 
he'll be able to pick up the system. Finally something Philly fan won't boo. Right up their alley. Murdering of animals sounds good but can we bet on it? Yes Philly fan you can bet on it.
Who do you think will win the Super Bowl?
As you know I'm an eternal optimist fan so I will go with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers defeating the New England Patriots 21-20. I believe Raheem Morris will whip our guys into a frenzy every week with his special brand of motivational mayhem, the polar opposite of the stoic hooded Bill Belichick. Look for a gutsy effort from Leftwich this year who will connect with Kellen Winslow on many occasions. Derrick Ward will play the slightly more spry Mike Alstott role in tandem with a much deserved resurging Carnell Williams. Jermaine "Flip" Phillips will excel at linebacker and expect breakout years from Stylez G. White and Aqib Talib. The schedule is tough but we can do anything. We can do know wrong. We're angels.
Chris Floyd has never played football unless you count front yard style.
